I am not a fan of pep!pep! for... a number of reasons. I try not to let my bias affect my opinions of the newbies, but I would rather they all just leave me alone. As for why...
During a particularly bad game I was injured pretty badly. I'll admit to... reverting to bad habits when I am injured or cornered... things like that, so I can get snippy and bitey and... aggressive. I simply can't help it. I do think a former companion of mine killed me to put me out of my misery as I was a [ clears his throat. ] mess. Anyway, I was revived, and the state of my aggression hadn't changed in the slightest, and so I had attached the healers and revivers, which caused Pink to lecture me. Again. He's never forgiven me for something I had done in the past, despite trying a number of times to make amends. I am even certain the one I hurt forgave me, but she's gone now, having graduated.
But this was just the final straw. I was sick of being told this and that and... it angered me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but it feels like they don't out of their way to speak like this to somebody who isn't like... like me...
So I'd rather just not be bothered with them anymore.
[ this all sounds TERRIBLE and she has FEELINGS about it ]
[ many feelings ]
[ mixed feelings ]
[ so, the first thing to do is HUG THE MONSTER HORS ]
Well, I — kinda get it, to some degree. Get you, I mean. I've had to talk with W 'bout what to do next time I get badly hurt or killed … because I could easily hurt whoever was trying to help me, if not kill them. [ sometimes you're traumatised and sometimes that trauma gives you exceedingly dangerous reflexes ]
... Is there anything I can do to help? 'cause I hate the thought of just.
[ this is a difficult conversation... and he's had to have it a couple of times. it hasn't gotten easier, and this is perhaps one of the most difficult ones, because tea means such a lot to him, and he knows this is probably hurting her to hear. ]
[ the hug helps, and he brings a claw up to return it. ] ...yes, that is the worry. But what if nobody is there. Sometimes you've been taken alone to a game and none of your unitmates are there to help. Or they're just as dead and incapacitated as you. It's hard to predict how badly a game is going to wreck you and yours. I... tried to be civil, tried to work something out, but I'm sick of feeling like I'm being talked down to. And I know a part of it's me, ...my own feelings of [ and he grits his teeth, trying to quell his own anger. ] inadequacy. It sometimes feels like nothing I have done and nothing I will ever do will be enough for him and for some people.
B- But nevermind that. I... [ he takes a deep breath. ] I know. [ taking a step back he cups her cheek. ] And I realize I'm asking a lot here, but I need you to trust me. My decision may look stupid, but I am alright. [ his stare is intense, as if trying to tell her more than he can truly say. ] I am better off than I was. [ leans in for a nuzzle. ] ...trust me.
— I don't think it's stupid. [ that much is immediate, and firm. ] And I do trust you.
[ she cups her hand over the back of his paw, meeting his eyes ]
In the end, your feelings are yours; your decisions are yours. It's not about me. [ as much as she hates hates HATES HATES the idea of leaving him dead when there's literally any other option ] If you've thought it through, and this is what you want, what you need, I'll respect that.
[ this is... torture. he hates that he can't tell her that things aren't as bad as they seem. he still dies, but... he has a bit of a safety net. he supposes that doesn't make it any easier though, for her. she still has to see him laying there. ] I'm going to do my best not to... [ die. he doesn't say it aloud. this conversation is already pretty terrible. ] I don't want you to have to deal with this anymore than you already have. BARiTONES luck has been pretty... unfortunate lately. [ he heaves a sigh, hanging his head. ]
Listen. Yeah, I don't like seeing you hurt, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do for you. Don't worry about me. [ she takes a breath - holds it, visibly thinking ]
... Like ...
I've had some ... arguments, here, 'bout the way I approach the bad games. All I can say is, I play for me and the people who're with me right then and there. That's it. If you've got a plan for how to deal with it, and it's the plan that works best for you - I'm not gonna fault you for prioritising yourself.
... [ pentium doesn't really do tears, but this prompts a surge of emotions inside of him. he takes care in moving a claw on around her, carefully taking her in a hug. ] Thank you, Tea, for understanding. It was hard back home, it's been hard here. I've been trying to be better, but... it'll always be a little difficult. [ gives her a nuzzle. ] I really can't thank you enough for understanding. I love you so much.
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During a particularly bad game I was injured pretty badly. I'll admit to... reverting to bad habits when I am injured or cornered... things like that, so I can get snippy and bitey and... aggressive. I simply can't help it. I do think a former companion of mine killed me to put me out of my misery as I was a [ clears his throat. ] mess. Anyway, I was revived, and the state of my aggression hadn't changed in the slightest, and so I had attached the healers and revivers, which caused Pink to lecture me. Again. He's never forgiven me for something I had done in the past, despite trying a number of times to make amends. I am even certain the one I hurt forgave me, but she's gone now, having graduated.
But this was just the final straw. I was sick of being told this and that and... it angered me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but it feels like they don't out of their way to speak like this to somebody who isn't like... like me...
So I'd rather just not be bothered with them anymore.
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[ many feelings ]
[ mixed feelings ]
[ so, the first thing to do is HUG THE MONSTER HORS ]
Well, I — kinda get it, to some degree. Get you, I mean. I've had to talk with W 'bout what to do next time I get badly hurt or killed … because I could easily hurt whoever was trying to help me, if not kill them. [ sometimes you're traumatised and sometimes that trauma gives you exceedingly dangerous reflexes ]
... Is there anything I can do to help? 'cause I hate the thought of just.
Leaving you.
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[ the hug helps, and he brings a claw up to return it. ] ...yes, that is the worry. But what if nobody is there. Sometimes you've been taken alone to a game and none of your unitmates are there to help. Or they're just as dead and incapacitated as you. It's hard to predict how badly a game is going to wreck you and yours. I... tried to be civil, tried to work something out, but I'm sick of feeling like I'm being talked down to. And I know a part of it's me, ...my own feelings of [ and he grits his teeth, trying to quell his own anger. ] inadequacy. It sometimes feels like nothing I have done and nothing I will ever do will be enough for him and for some people.
B- But nevermind that. I... [ he takes a deep breath. ] I know. [ taking a step back he cups her cheek. ] And I realize I'm asking a lot here, but I need you to trust me. My decision may look stupid, but I am alright. [ his stare is intense, as if trying to tell her more than he can truly say. ] I am better off than I was. [ leans in for a nuzzle. ] ...trust me.
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[ she cups her hand over the back of his paw, meeting his eyes ]
In the end, your feelings are yours; your decisions are yours. It's not about me. [ as much as she hates hates HATES HATES the idea of leaving him dead when there's literally any other option ] If you've thought it through, and this is what you want, what you need, I'll respect that.
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[ presses a smooch on his brow ]
Listen. Yeah, I don't like seeing you hurt, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do for you. Don't worry about me. [ she takes a breath - holds it, visibly thinking ]
... Like ...
I've had some ... arguments, here, 'bout the way I approach the bad games. All I can say is, I play for me and the people who're with me right then and there. That's it. If you've got a plan for how to deal with it, and it's the plan that works best for you - I'm not gonna fault you for prioritising yourself.
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[ Hugs him back, as tight as she can. ]
Life's a mess, huh? But it's worth it. Worth it to keep on trying.
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